I am writing a book on my 15-year-journey to understand and conquer my stage fright.
In the process, I am starting to listen to my very old recordings, and read my journal entries as a teen.
The earliest recording is from the three-year-old Makiko, before her first lesson. She is constantly singing, and laughing at herself saying things like “poo” and “fart” and just non-sense word-plays. And she often plays the upright that just happened to be at my first home I remember. Here is a clip.
What I find surprising is how I know what key gives me what pitch, and sings along precisely, even the 10th leap from D to F at the very end of the clip. What happened to my innate musical intuition, and my complete confidence in it, when I developed such a severe stage fright?
Listening back, and reading back to my much younger self brings back a lot of memories. I now remember how I wanted to be a Hollywood actress, and a writer. Even I thought the former was a bit silly, especially since I didn’t speak a word of English then, as an eleven-year-old. But being a writer, I was a bit more serious about. I started writing as soon as I knew how to read and write. I remember how I wrote a storybook for my sister about a little squirrel, when she was in bed sick. My mom forbade me to disturb her – she had a high fever, and was probably contagious. So, I waited until she went to the bathroom, and read my story to her as she sat on the toilet. The cute three-year-old clapped for me at the end of the story. I wrote plays, letters, stories, journal entries. I wrote tons, and many of it I am about to re-read. But I ended up pursuing music for two reasons. One, the adults around me convinced me that I could pursue writing at any age, whereas the piano, if you wanted to build a career and a formidable technique, you had to start young. Two, when my family and I moved to the States, my English was very limited: the only two sentences I could utter with some confidence was “I am hungry” and “where is the bathroom?” So, the “universal language” became my sole form of self expression. It helped that I got accepted to Juilliard Pre-College as soon as I arrived in the States. I might have appeared dumb at school, but at least I became a “Juilliard student.”
But twenty-eight years later, I feel that I can be anything I want now. I am writing. I still love music, and will continue to play everyday. But I can do, and be, anything I want. What a great feeling. Here is me as a dancer:
And here is me, being an actress at the piano, practicing Liszt-Schubert’s “Gretchen am Spinnrade,” lost in her infatuation with her lover as she mindlessly turn her spinning-wheel.